punished for being honest
Funny how the world is, or should I say more specifically the gay male community or use the word community loosely. Now I have done my fair share well a lot more than my fair share to support and help the gay male community, 25 years of either paid or voluntary work in a variety of capacities from giving out condoms on Hampstead Heath, developing or running workshops for gay men, as this in abuse services for young gay men, working in promoting sexual health and HIV awareness, challenging stigma against HIV and training more than 700 professionals around LGBT issues and volunteering to help keep the gay village in Manchester safe. So, I am not bragging is a really fucking hate guys who are big headed and have even bigger egos, especially if they are nowhere near get in the shit together.
I live with significant and almost constant debilitating mental health issues, leaving aside the physical health issues surrounding having a neurofibromatosis which causes me a lot of physical pain and due to the nature of having tumours on nerve endings that a visible, which elicits lots of our comments on the apps. Anyway, these mental health issues, depression, anxiety, severe body dysmorphia and relentless suicidal thoughts and idolation.
I grew up in the Care System and recently uncovered the fact I was sadistically emotionally, physically and mentally abused between the ages of nought and five when I was eventually placed into the Care System. I have no memory of this and it’s not rocket science to work out where my issues of self esteem come from. I went on a quest weekend last year that helps me uncover two core limiting beliefs I have these being I am bad, and I am unlovable. So, no shit Sherlock as to how these came about, or a wanted as a child was to be loved, cared for and nurtured. This really didn’t happen, and the bottom line is, combining neglect and the abuse the narrative is simple little me crying out for love and attention and was punished for the which physical, emotional and mental abuse.
Anyway, I am beginning to unravel all of this in order to heal and to improve my mental health. However, I am honest about this in my profiles because I feel was only fair to be honest as I won’t just turn up and have sex with somebody. I still carry body dysmorphia energies around my own looks and physical appearance to the points where I often don’t feel attractive or muscly enough to have sex. Anyway it basically means I am basically ignored and guys lose patience when I say I wont just turn up and shag.
Ironically this makes almost a pariah in the gay community, I find this laughable in a way because I do believe many of my day brothers carry significant mental health issues which they mask with drinking, drug taking and sex. I am not judging before people clutch their beads and shout slut shammer at me. He does kind of hurt the than in the community that wants expects them more than deserves tolerance and acceptance from the straight community, that the gay community can be so judgmental and isolationary towards guys with mental health issues. However, it won’t stop me from being honest about these because it’s all part of the healing journey.